Loss of someone close is something we'll all experience in our lifetime - but each of our experiences will be unique. There is no right or wrong way of grieving and there is no telling how long it may take.
Bereavement is an experience, which is likely to happen to all of us at some time in the course of our lives.
To be bereaved means 'to be robbed of something valued.' It usually means losing someone we love through death, someone who has played a significant part in our lives. It is a devastating event, turning our world upside down, shattering our confidence in the future and changing our lives forever. Although we experience many losses throughout life, the death of a loved one is probably the worst loss we will experience.
The death of a significant person, whether as an adult or child, means the loss of a special relationship, very often a change in life-style, a great longing for the dead person and a period of adjustment which may take years to recover from.
As we are all different, the time this takes will vary from person to person. All parts of our being may be affected - emotional, physical, spiritual, and social, but the over-riding feeling is one of intense pain, which is called grief.
Grief is the name given to the reactions we have after the death of someone close to us.
Grief can resemble a physical injury, which may be spoken of as a 'blow.' A wound gradually heals from the inside out, a process that takes time. Grief, a natural reaction, is also a time for healing and recovery, which can't be rushed and will vary for each of us.
When we are grieving, it is very difficult to understand what is happening to us. One of the ways in which we can understand better, is to look at other losses. From birth until death we experience a wide variety of losses, which help to mould and change us. Each loss requires a time of adjustment. Even a simple loss like losing a purse will produce a reaction. Initially we may have feelings of disbelief, panic, confusion, leading on to annoyance, anger and inconvenience. Temporarily life has been upset and it takes a little time to adjust to the new situation, but in time we will either find the purse or accept its loss.
Recovering from a death is similar but feelings are much more intense, more painful and last much longer. It too is a process of learning to adapt to the new situation. When we lose someone we love through death, it is natural that we will miss them, for we have lost a relationship and all that that implies. There is an empty space where formerly there was a living human being. We have to adjust to life without that person, and learn to adapt to a different way of life. If we didn't miss them, what did their life really mean to us? Our pain and suffering (grief) is the price we pay for loving.
Any pain is tiring. The pain of toothache can be relieved by an analgesic or a visit to the dentist but the acute pain of grief is constantly with us, unrelieved by any painkiller. Whilst we are going through the pain, it is difficult to believe that we will ever enjoy life again. But in time our grieving will ease and gradually life will become more bearable and even pleasurable.
Grief is vital in order to accept a deep loss and carry on with your life. If you do not grieve at the time of death, or shortly after, you may keep the grief bottled up inside you. This may cause emotional problems or physical illness later on. Working through your grief can be a painful process, but it makes all the difference to your future emotional and physical well-being.
There is no single way to grieve. Everyone is different and each person grieves in his or her own way. However, people commonly experience some stages of grief when they are bereaved. It can be helpful to be aware of these stages and remember that intense emotions and swift changes in mood are normal. Feeling emotionally numb is usually the first reaction to a loss, and perhaps lasts for a few hours or days. In some ways, this numbness may help you get through the practical arrangements and family pressures that surround the funeral, but if this phase goes on for too long, it could be a problem.
A deep yearning for the person who has died may replace the numbness. You may feel agitated or angry, and find it difficult to concentrate, relax or sleep. You may also feel guilty, dwelling on arguments you may have had with the dead person or on emotions and words you wished you had expressed.
This period of strong, often volatile emotions usually gives way to bouts of depression, sadness, silence and withdrawal from family and friends. During this time, you may be prone to sudden outbursts of tears, set off by reminders and memories of the dead person.
Over time, the pain, sadness and depression start to lessen. You begin to see your life in a more positive light again, although, it is important to acknowledge that you may not completely overcome the feeling of loss. The final phase of grieving is to let go of the person who has died and move on with your life. This helps any lingering depression to clear, and your sleeping patterns and energy levels return to normal.
Contrary to what many people think, children are aware when a loved one dies and they feel that loss in much the same way as adults do. Children go through similar stages of grief, although they may progress through them more quickly. Some people make the mistake of trying to protect children from the death and grieving process. Instead, it is better to be honest with children about your own grief, and encourage them to discuss their feelings of pain and distress.
The grieving process takes time and should not be hurried. How long it takes depends on you and your situation. In general, though, it takes most people one to two years to recover from a major bereavement.
There are many things you can do to help yourself cope during this time. Ask for help and support from family, friends or a support group, and try to express whatever you are feeling, be it anger, guilt or sadness. Accept that some things, like death, are beyond your control. Avoid making major decisions - your judgement may be off kilter and changes could increase your stress levels. Give yourself the time and space to grieve. By doing so, you are able to mourn properly and avoid problems in the future.
Remember to keep in touch with your doctor. If you are having sleeping problems, your doctor may prescribe sleeping tablets or may refer you to a therapist if you feel the need for more help to cope with a loss.
The best thing you can do is spend time with that person, and listen to them work through their grief. Avoid saying phrases like 'with time, you'll get over this'. This is false comfort and denies the person their need to mourn properly. Offer practical help, such as cooking dinner or shopping for food - when a person is grieving, it is usually hard to focus on everyday tasks. Finally, if the person is reacting in extreme ways for a prolonged period, encourage him or her to seek professional help.
It is estimated that each day 500 women will become widows. 175,000 men become widowers each year. Approximately 165,000 children under the age of 16 years lose a parent and about 12,000 children die in the UK each year.
Many others are affected by the death of a parent, a friend or a much-loved pet.
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